Women's Fiction Reviews

Review: I Know This of Myself by Lina Holloway.

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My Rating: 5 Stars

Genre: Women’s Fiction

Publication Date: 10/31/2015

Length: 335 pages


Synopsis:

A story of love, loss, and forgiveness. Nia’s entire world has fallen apart. She is stuck in a cycle of depression she cannot pull herself from. Her sister, Noie, and her college friends are determined to help pull her from the darkness. Will she find a way to truly live again and the strength to imagine a new future for herself?


My Review:

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This isn’t my typical kind of read, but I needed something different. I honestly don’t even know how I ended up with this book. I’ve struggled with Clinical Depression for the last couple years. I’ve always had occasional depression & anxiety, but it’s been horrible this time. I felt like I could possibly relate to Nia, so I decided to give it a try, plus it was FREE on Kindle-Unlimited!

I Know This of Myself jumps between “Nia Now”, “Nia Then”, “Nia Diary”,  and “Ian Then”. I knew Nia suffered from depression from the description of the book, but I didn’t know what triggered it. Lina Holloway does an amazing job of telling the story of Nia & Ian without giving away too much at the beginning.

I don’t cry very often when I read, but I did while reading I Know This of Myself. Nia’s emotions are so raw and you just feel so bad for her that it tears your heart apart.  I definitely didn’t expect what happened to Ian. I don’t want to give too much away, so I’ll just leave it at that.


My Story of Depression:

I truly believe depression is a disease. So many people try to sweep it under a rug & just pretend that it doesn’t exist. I have been told once before to “snap out of it”…if it were only that easy. The best I can describe depression is living in your own personal hell. No one would ever want to live that way if they could help it. Trust me.

A couple years ago, I finally got the courage to leave my drug addict boyfriend of 3 years. He wasn’t addicted to drugs the entire time we were together, which made things harder because I knew the good-hearted person he was deep down inside. About a year into our relationship, he became addicted to pills. I struggled with him for 2 years after that trying my best to “save him”, but I ended up needing someone to save me.

I was afraid to leave him because I was sure as soon as I did, he would overdose. He was never violent with me until he started taking the pills. He turned into someone I didn’t know anymore, and I did too. I started withdrawing from friends and family and I kept most of my life a secret, which ate at me. I finally had enough one night and I left the next morning. It was the best decision I had made in a long time. It wasn’t easy though.

I felt guilty for leaving him, but I didn’t have a choice. He was hitting rock bottom and taking me down too. I was financially destroyed from trying to pay all the bills and take care of everything while he laid passed out on the couch most days. I didn’t even have enough money to get an apartment when I left. I had to live with family.

For the first year, I had constant flashbacks and cried all the time. I tried new medicines and nothing ever seemed to help, so I just tried to deal with it my own way. I’m stubborn, so I don’t ever ask for help or talk to anyone because I hate to feel like I’m a burden. People shouldn’t have to feel like a burden just because some people don’t believe depression is real.

Nia had an amazing support group, and that is exactly what someone needs when battling depression. Trying to handle it on your own will destroy you. I had a few members of my family that I’m close to and felt like I could talk to occasionally, but I didn’t want to overload them with my problems. Everyone has their own problems and I didn’t want to add to theirs, that’s just how I am. I’d rather hurt than to hurt someone by letting them know how I feel.

I suffered silently. I tried to keep my mind busy by starting to workout outside, read more often and basically avoid any depressing thoughts. That worked for a little bit, but depression was still there. One day, my body finally just gave. I couldn’t handle things anymore. I think it was a mixture of a new medicine I was on & the amount of depression I had that literally made my body give out. I ended up in the emergency room from basically having a breakdown.

I didn’t have health insurance at the time and I still don’t because I “make too much” to qualify for any assistance & I just can’t afford it since I don’t have group health insurance. My primary doctor had done his best to control my depression, but it just wasn’t enough. He doesn’t specialize in mental health and that’s what I needed. The problem is that it is very costly. If I made a lot less than I do, I would get help for free, but since that is not the case, I cannot get the true help I need.

Do you know what it costs to see a psychiatrist if you don’t have insurance? About $200 per session. I can go elsewhere and get counseling for lower, but I need to see a psychiatrist to get on the correct medication.  I can’t afford the treatment, so once again, I suffer in silence.

This is the case for so many people, and it’s sad. People can’t get help unless they completely break down or try to hurt themselves, but all they get then is a visit to the hospital and discharged after a few days and then get a bill for about $10,000. I pay taxes and have since I was 16 and I can’t get help. I think mental health care should be free. I would be ok with my tax dollars going to something like that.

Some people may disagree with me, but until you have all but given up on life and you know how much it hurts, you don’t have a right to say depression is not real. I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

I hope I have shed some light on depression. I Know This of Myself did a great job portraying some aspects of depression. I would highly recommend this book!

If you are feeling depressed, know that you are not alone. If you ever become suicidal, I hope you will reach out to someone or call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or visit their website to chat by clicking HERE.

There are several other organizations, so please reach out to one of them!


 

Check out Natalie’s GoodReads profile to learn more about her by clicking HERE!

Thank you for taking your time to read my review!

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